Bewildering slogans

Now, some slogans for advertisements are witty, apt and memorable. Mainland Cheese's 'Your frund in the frudge', for example, brings home that cheese can be a handy food item to keep, that it should be stored in the fridge, and that the makers are from New Zealand, and best of all, does not provoke me to a homicidal rage. These are all signs of a good advertising slogan. (I'm talking about the quality of the slogan - I can't speak for the quality of their cheese.)

Then there are slogans that are bad - the one that springs to mind is the brand of sanitary pads called 'U' which had the imaginitive slogan 'I need U'. This failed on several counts - it tried to tell me I needed the product, when, by virtue of being male, I don't. It would also be accompanied by images of funky young women all enjoying themselves, without actually showing footage of them menstruating, which would have been honest, at least. It would provoke me to homicidal rage by playing their little teaser ad (A five-second grab with a winking eye over a U and a 'ready, girls?') FIVE FUCKING TIMES AN AD BREAK during the Simpsons. And what *really* pissed me off, once I found out what they actually were, is my refusal to buy the product would mean absolutely *nothing* to the manufacturers. Not that I go around buying feminine hygiene products where I *like* the ads (not that I can think of any offhand), but being totally out of the target demographic, I could derive no pleasure from knowing that I would not be giving the company any money.

But then, there are the slogans that just provoke a 'huh'? The ones that cause one to tilt one's head to one side, furrow one's brow, and try to figure out just what the fuck the advertiser was thinking. 'Deoderises while it fragrances' was one such slogan for some air-freshener, which always had me thinking, "They totally verbed fragrance, there. They weirded it completely."

But then, last night, in the train, I saw a poster for the Brisbane Broncos (that's a rugby league team, for those who don't know) and got struck by just how piss-poor their 2004 season slogan actually is. For those who can't (be bothered to) follow the link, I'll repeat the slogan here - "Season 2004 is FEELING MIGHTY REAL".

That's good. I'd hate to think I'd go to a rugby league game only to find the players are just pretending. Instead of seeing blokes stop each other from moving a rubber-replica pigskin to one end of the field, I'd see a bunch of guys squabbling over who actually had the ball, and whether one was running faster than the other. Add some goths and some paper, scissors, rock, and I'd be paying good money to watch a Vampire LARP.

And how embarrassing would it be for a real rugby team to play against a pretend rugby team? Would there only be one team on the field? Would the pretend team just yell out things like 'tackle!' and 'kick for touch'? Would the real team have to start pretending as well?

Or maybe it was just the season that was going to be pretend. Maybe it was going to devolve into WWF-style scripting with teams trash-talking each other and stealing each other's girlfriends until it's all settled... IN THE FIELD!

Though come to think of it, if it meant Bill Harrigan got thrown through a table on national TV, maybe it'd be worth it.

Whatever it was, isn't it great the Broncos can reassure us that they, at least, will be keepin' it real? They from the streets, G, and be kickin' it to touch 4 eva. Word.

Note to any advertisers that stumble across this - advertising slogans that make a middle-class white Australian guy lapse into some mutilation of African-American street-slang are MONSTROSITIES. If any of your colleagues propose such a slogan, SHOOT THEM IMMEDIATELY. And BURN THE CORPSES. If you, yourself, are considering such a slogan, REMOVE YOUR GENITALS AND CHOKE YOURSELF TO DEATH WITH THEM IMMEDIATELY. I tell you this only for your own protection.

That is all.