Matrix 3 Review

Not my review - my bile is still brewing, but pinched from the V. Magic Inviso-Text on for those too slack to have seen it yet.

VERY WELL THEN. Here are my thoughts.
The entire fight scene with the APUs and the Sentinels was the finest piece of Robotic Cinema ever committed to film, and I mean ever. Without a doubt. HOWEVER. I have two problems with it. ONE, I have a revolutionary new design in mind for the APUs where they feature some armour over the pilot - it might be pretty helpful, seeing as even when you get totally fucking swarmed by Sentinels, all that really happens is that you get a bit cut up. FURTHERMORE, these new APU designs would also be pretty damned effective against the Sentinels, seeing as the Sentinels' only tactic is to put themselves voluntarily into a massive bottleneck by flying only in a straight line in a massive group. SPLIT UP, ROBO-FUCKTARDS!
The bit where hojillions of Sentinels swarm the command tower was erotic. I wanted that to be THE END.
I like how MEN ride the APUs and GIRLS wander around with crap bazookas entirely on their own with no support of any kind whatsoever, no radio contact, and basically no hope of survival, even though it'd make more sense the other way around.
Why is Oz Wheelchair Guy's girlfriend even given the fucking OPTION of not taking part in the battle? This implies to me that there are two options - make shells, or hide in the stupid rave place. Hello, Zion dudes, it's your fucking last stand, you could really do with being a bit more forceful about people's options at this point. GET THEM WORKING!!!
I'm sure there must be a better way of reloading a giant robot than having some dude with a wheelbarrow carry up a box of bullets. Since the APUs are more or less stationary, why not just build gun emplacements?
Why did they bother with the fight at the dock when they could have used one EMP and sacrificed the dock that they were blatantly going to lose regardless?
Why was Commander Mardyarse such a killjoy? YOU WERE GOING TO LOSE THE DOCK REGARDLESS!!! In fact, you had absolutely NO HOPE whatsoever excepting a bit of last-minute heroism from Neo, so I don't know what you were so pissy about.
The APU fight was the only decent fight scene, and I'll fucking tell you why. It was the only one that fucking mattered, and that counts for the last film as well. It was the only one where there are clear objectives for both sides and the actions of both sides actually matter at all. In every fight scene in the Martix, people are just showing off their Super Kung Fu for absolutely no reason, and how well they perform doesn't really bear much relation to the final outcome of the fight.
FUCK OFF, annoying family of ethnically diverse 'programs'.
COMPUTER PROGRAMS CANNOT FUCKING BREED!!! That is the stupidest idea in the whole trilogy. If I copy over half of a Windows CD with half of a Quake 3 Arena CD, I will - amazingly - not get a new operating system with fantastic new Rocket Launcher technology and the fascinating new WinAPI32 Cannon. IT WILL NOT WORK! I accept I'm being all miserable and nit-picky, but the whole concept of intelligent programs knocking around is FUCKING STUPID. In Everquest, is there an NPC wandering around whom if you kill, the sky stops working? NO!!! On that note, what happens if someone shoots the little girl that controls sunsets? Are there no more sunsets?
I like how The Oracle had to make the massive and unbearable sacrifice of losing her identity as Miscellaneous Old Woman and being forced to become - the horror - Miscellaneous Old Woman 2.
Wachowskis, you are fucking idiots. Don't make a trilogy of gunplay, kung fu and the battle between robots and humans, and then make me look at a boring old woman for minutes on end. Similarly, I hate to break this to you, but when Trinity has three massive bits of metal through her, she should die - oo, INSTANTLY, and not after what felt like about half an hour of interminable "Just one last kiss, my darling!".
EVEN THOUGH the big robot battle is the only fight that felt like it mattered, it's actually the least important, because if Neo had gotten to the Machine Land about an hour or so earlier, it would have been completely unnecessary. GET A FUCKING MOVE ON, NEO.
Maybe Trinity wouldn't have had to die if you hadn't crashed your ship into the mainframe like a fucking idiot.
Every time a bit of machinery moved, I was hopeful that it was a new kind of robot. And every so often - IT WAS! Splendid.
I loved the club - Bellucci wears amazing clothes showing off her amazing breasts, and people basically stand around having their nipples twisted listening to EVIL music dressed in the clothes of EVIL and - most tellingly - the DJs use CDs, not vinyl. EVIL! CLUB!
Annoying Kid Who's Not Yet 18 can fuck right off. Furthermore, why are they so fucking picky about people being part of their army when they're TOTALLY FUCKED!
In the big battle, there was a lot of bits where in one shot, there was A LEGION OF SENTINELS, A FUCKING MASSIVE CLOUD OF THEM, and then in the next shot three APUs have gunned them all down. Whoa there, Wachowskis. Where did they all keep going?
Was that Bruce Spence as the Trainman? Splendid.
Where was the Annoying Family Of Programs being smuggled to, exactly? I lost track as my Bollocks Protection Circuits kicked in.
Why was Trinity so amazed by the sight of the sun and the sky when she's been in the Martix? Has she never looked up?
HERE'S my biggest problem. Ok, this has happened 6 times before, right? There have been six Neos and six Agent Smiths. Now, has Agent Smith had the ability to duplicate himself before? Because if he has, then how the fuck did the machines take care of him last time? And if he hasn't, why didn't someone notice and panic this time round - why didn't the Architect say something in the big meeting scene that made me want to shit razorblades?
Ok, the big scene of the last film is the Architect talking shite for a while, and we're told that what he's saying is VITALLY IMPORTANT. How's that dealt with in M3 - "Oh, he doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about, forget all that". Good writing, Wachowskis.
Why are so many scenes resolved by "Oo, because we say so."? Trainman can hit Neo! Why? Oo, because we say so. Neo is in weird limboland at the start of the film! Why? Oo, because we say so.
My mind now contains a new cut of Superman 2 where the fight between Zod and Superman is replaced with the one between Smith and Neo.
Similarly, yes, Weaving IS Bates, and we just saw the big meeting of Bates and Moran at the end of MiracleMan #1. (Not #15. That's a totally different fight scene and is nothing like the one in the Martix).
I liked the Shouty Maori Man and his collossal robot death machine.
Fuck, the Wachoskis really never met a cliche they didn't like, did they?