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WE ARE ONE

We are the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional
wanker. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from
New Zealand), and although we live in the best country in the world, we
reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like. We
are One Nation but divided into many States.

First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in
lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte,
grand final day, and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose
chief marketing pitch is that "it's liveable". At least that's what they
think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.

Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar,
thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital
Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of
it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers that pull their Speedos up their
cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family
that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra
chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest
faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the
Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of
foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation. Where
else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in
Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the
Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One
drivers to sleep at the wheel.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main
claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it di d,
all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was
the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work
there in the government and business.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains,
sheep stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, Jackaroos, emus, Uluru,
and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption
of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium
content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of
our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to
flyover it on our way to Bali.

And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a
document defining a nation of half arsed sceptics, it is worth noting
that God probably made Queensland, as its beautiful one day and perfect
the next. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.

Oh yes and there's Canberra. The less said the better.

We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists
and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our
lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in
joy when a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is
better than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a
political party albeit a redneck gun toting one, can get a million votes
and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Not that we're
whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants.

We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right
mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem
(so what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide). We
love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a
sailing race and still tell us who's winning.

And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like
cricket, netball, rugby league and union, AF L, roo shooting, two up and
horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, and the
worst dressed Olympians in the known universe. Only in Australia can a
pizza delivery get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in
Australia do we have bank doors wide open, no security guards, or
cameras but chain the pens to the desk.

Stand proud Aussies - we shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and
pissed by lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed minded,
sports obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.

I am, you are, we are Australian!

P.S We also shoot and eat the two animals that are on our National
Crest!!!! No other country has this distinction!

HAPPY AUSTRALIA DAY - January 26, 2004.