I had to share.

And no, for once with that subject line, it's not a horribly gross thing.

I don't know if it's possilble to convey how this struck me. Eric Alfred Burns, not being someone I have ever met, is not someone I could describe as a friend - but I first 'met' him going through In Nomine mailing lists (where he signed his emails with his name, but his email proclaimed him to be Whistling In The Dark), and I liked his style of writing. Then (on a day I always think of as the Day of In Nomine Coincidence) I stumbled across Websnark, and when I found out it was actually penned by the same guy, I thought 'cool'. (The Day of In Nomine Coincidence also pointed me at Obsidian Wings, which is apparently run by Moe Lane, a delightfully wacked out In Nomine creator. As if naming the site after Malakim wasn't enough. I make no guarantees for quality of site, though, as I've largely ignored it since stumbling across it.)

So I've been reading Websnark for a while, and even gone onto reading Gossamer Commons, a webcomic he writes. And so I feel I know this guy, even though we've never met and he has never, ever heard of me.

And then he writes this. Which is such a brilliantly written slice of life that the guy wrote while he was trying to keep from thinking or sleeping. Maybe you'll check it and think, 'yeah, whatever'. Maybe I'll read it tomorrow and think the same thing (though I doubt it).

But here, and now, it has brought out the Keanu Reaction.

Whoah.

That is all.

Heh

The working life

It now appears that I have a full-time job (for the time being at least). I'm currently engaged in day two of a fifteen day training period with the ATO (this is a computer, this is a mouse, this is a telephone), and I'm trying very hard not to be driven out of my mind. I'm sure that all that they're teaching us is very important, but so far, it's been all I can do not to fall asleep.

Oh well, I assume it'll get better eventually.

Padme shouldn't have died until Episode IV.

Tis funny.

Aliens are among us

Can you deny this proof? 

Too stupid to live?

Two hurt in mock light sabre duel

Two Star Wars fans are in a critical condition in hospital after apparently trying to make light sabres by filling fluorescent light tubes with petrol.

More here. Further proof that some people shouldn't be allowed out of the house without supervision.

Fire up your Amazon account Nick

Amazon.com: Books: Finding Serenity : Anti-Heroes, Lost Shepherds and Space Hookers in Joss Whedon's Firefly (Smart Pop series)

It's a funny old game for a reason

I think I just finished watching one of the best games of football I've ever seen. No, I'm not talking about Origin I (although that was pretty fun). I'm referring to the Champions League Final that was played this morning between Liverpool and AC Milan.

At the end of the first 45 minutes, I was really regretting getting up at 4:30am to watch it. Liverpool were down 3-0, having conceded the first goal within two minutes of the start of the match and a further two more before the end of the half. Milan had really given Liverpool a masterclass in football, blowing them off the pitch with their pace and accuracy of passing. To make matters worse, one of Liverpool's best attacking players, the perpetually crocked Harry Kewell had barely lasted 20 minutes before limping off with another groin injury.

At the end of the first half, I'd resigned myself to sitting through the second half of the match as Milan continued to dominate a distinctly lacklustre Liverpool team. But following the break, something miraculous happened. In ten frenetic minutes, Liverpool managed to claw back Milan's three goal lead and tie the game up at 3-3.

The rest of the half was a bit of an arm wrestle. And the subsequent 30 minutes of extra time seemed to leave the players physically exhausted. In all honesty, Milan should have won the game in the final minutes of extra time if not for a miraculous double save by Liverpool's keeper Jerzy Dudek from Andriy Shevchenko, European Footballer of the Year, from barely a metre out.

So on it went to penalties - one of the cruelest ways to end a match that had been running for 120 minutes. Unlike their triumph two years ago, AC Milan were unable to come out on top, leaving Liverpool to to win on penalties 3-2, and giving them their fifth European Cup.

From dead and buried to European Champions in a 75 minute turn-around. What a game. The only problem now is that UEFA have to decide whether Liverpool will be allowed to defend their title next season. Logic would dictate they be allowed to do so, but as the rules currently stand, no nation can have more than four teams in the Champions League and Liverpool finished the domestic campaign in a disappointing fifth place. But then again - as the result of the game would indicate, logic has never really played a part in football.

Update - I love it when it all goes wrong for the bookies.

ENGLISH bookmaker Ladbrokes has been hit hard by Liverpool's Champions League triumph.

More than 100 people backed the Merseysider at 100-1 to win at half-time when it trailed AC Milan 3-0.

Origin I

Thank christ for that.

Idle Auditions 4

Oh god - now they're all doing sing-alongs in the waiting room. What would these people do without American soul tunes.

11:30am and no-ones run screaming out of the building in tears yet - how disappointing. Bring back Dicko (if that's not an appropriate name for someone involved in this thing I don't know what is).

Sadly it doesn't appear that anyone is auditioning with a Pantera song (or similar soulful tune). For shame - some variety would have been nice.

How original - someones trying to cash in on the beatbox craze (I know - I didn't know there was one either until Channel V & B105 kept insisted there was one) - except this guy's twist is that he's using a didgeredoo (sp?) as well. Expect there to be controversy from this performer because - check it out - he's white.

Enough with the hand clapping people. If you can't keep a beat without physically moving your body, it's a good sign that you don't have a future in the music industry.

11:55am - my first tears. Finally. I guess I'm just a little sadistic.

I'm sorry Ma'am that we don't have big "Keep Out" signs plastered all over the areas we don't want you to wander into. I guess we should invest in skull & crossbone signs as well. But I would have thought the big red ropes you had to physically clamber over to get into that area migh have been warning enough you were going some place you shouldn't be.

It appears that mullets & copious ammounts of hair gel lead to success in this competition.

12:10pm - more tears. Only an hour more that I have to tolerate.

I like Alien Loves Predator

A quick recap, Preston the Predator just got glasses

Click the image to see it full size.

Idle Auditions 3

Wow - some people are really serious about this. They've even brought vocal coaches along.

I always find it amazing the number of singers who smoke like chimneys.

Met one sad case who has gotten through to this stage after three years of trying. Might have something to do with the cat ears & 6 inch cork platforms...

Hey - there's that Kyle twit. Wonder if I've got a copy of that Frenzel Rhomb interview I could play for him.

I think these jottings are some kind of therapy fo prevent good taste from kicking in & attempting to purge the lot of them.

Idle Auditions 2

I find it amusing that the first picture you see as you walk in for the auditions is not of any of the competition winners, but of last years runner up. The first poster of last years winner is virtually hidden behind a concrete pillar. Almost as if they're embarrassed by her...

I haven't seen this many bad trendy haircuts on both guys & girls since the last time I drove past Family at 1am.

If I walk around coughing loudly with my mouth uncovered with my cold, will I frighten half the contestants away?

It's not hard to pick out the novelty acts - those called back just for the "Hah Hah" bits on the inevitable audition special(s).

It's now 9:45am, and I think I've now been exposed to more Idle programming than I had been during the previous two years the show has been running.

Guys should not fold up the cuffs of their jeans (or jeans shorts for that matter).

Idle Auditions 1

Watching the queue of hopefulls line up & it appears that every second girl looks like Vicky Pollard from Little Britain.

And no wonder Tel$tra is sponsoring this - they're all crapping on on their mobiles.

More live reports to come - if I feel like it.

Bill Watterson

is a cartooning god. 

Favourite article of the day

The only rewarding part of seeing drunk hillbillies stumble into undeserved wealth is that they think millions of dollars just kinda shows up when you wish upon a rainbow. Based on the Economics degree I don’t have, that’s not how it works at all. Two years ago, her anus was every 15 year old boys secret playground and the cash just magically piled up. Now she’s a trampy drunken lump and it’s all about to go away.

What are they talking about? The ubiquitous reality tv show every washed up pop-tart seems to be in when they find their popularity disappearing quicker than their waistline expands.

Taste

You may be proud to be pregnant, but please spare a thought for the rest of us who have to be exposed to so much. 

I don't know whether to laugh or cry

I'm apparently working at the Australian Idol auditions on Wednesday. Either way it should be an interesting experience

The Bunny Suicides...Way funny

More Here
Here's a samples:

 

The problem when you bake cookies...

...is that it's too damn tempting to eat them all before you put them away. Nasty things.

Pegg, Smith & Wright!

Empire Online - possibly three of the biggest Star Wars nerds on the planet talk about (what was then) the upcoming Episode III.

Epsiodes 7, 8 & 9

Was listening to TripleM this morning when the Scared Weired Little Guys were on doing their weekly wrap up. The funniest bit is that they released the names of the films from the third Star Wars Trilogy:

Episode 7 Weekend at Skywalkers
Episode 8 Theres Something About Jabba
Episode 9 Dude, Where's My Death Star

Yet Another Big Brother Rant

I'm sorry. I truly am.

You see, at work, there is a TV. Also at work, there are people who want to watch Big Brother. Apparently a vote for "Big Brother! Big Brother!" counts more than "For the love of all that's holy, please, anything but Big Brother!". But anyway.

Being that it was on a TV in front of me, I was watching 'Big Brother Up Late', which was boring as batshit. (Apologies to all you guano fanciers out there.) It started with the host (who was madcap, zany and wacky, all at once, and somehow combined it with being flat-on-his-face unfunny) updating all of us enthusiastic Big Brother watchers (or 'BBW' as an obligatory TLA) about the goings-on in the house.

Apparently - get this, no shit, not a word of a lie - a couple of the housemates had gotten the others to join in a conga line. And unbelievable as it sounds, they did it by saying Big Brother had told them to. And the shocking twist - Big Brother hadn't told them to! Gasp! I felt my synapses dying in excruciating atrophy at that, I can tell you.

And then they showed us a couple of girls in the house looking for something to eat, and not finding anything they liked. Really. Blew me away with its real-life drama.

And so I got to thinking. I figured Big Brother's really turned its back on its roots. Big Brother, after all, was the propaganda figure in 1984, the one who was watching, who was really your friend, but if he found out anything bad about you awful things would happen. And so I began formulating an Orwellian Big Brother show.

First up, waivers from the contestants. For fuck's sake, these people want to be on TV so badly? Let 'em.

Then, from the word go, psychologically brutalise them. Not the coddling, soft, kind of stuff in the current Big Brother show which leads to the victims sitting about whining about how unfair things are. I'm talking about the kind of brutalising that leaves them shaking and shitscared.

Nominations? Don't tell the housemates who's nominated to go. Don't have a regular eviction night. Instead, when it's time, wait until everyone's asleep, then have the goons in gas masks and jackboots kick the door in, grab the poor sucker, slip a bag over their head and drag them out, kicking and screaming. No warning, no explanation.

Someone tries screwing with the rules? Fine. Wait until their asleep. Bag and drag to an undisclosed location, beat them with phone books, scream at them and disorient them - then throw them back.

When I mentioned this idea to someone at work, they pointed out an idea I'd missed - indoctrination sessions. Set up one every morning, where maybe the person dragged off the previous night is denounced, maybe they read a sobbing confession on-screen (I figure pay 'em some cash, get them made up to look like they've been worked over - I'm not a complete monster).

All in all, aim for an atmosphere of paranoia and gut-wrenching terror in the house. It would make compelling viewing, watching these people as the complacency they have from living in an affluent first-world country gets slowly shattered, and then watching them as they break. Horrible viewing, of course, but compelling. And possibly - just possibly - the housemates might band together and stage a revolt. Which would be equally compelling viewing.

It's a show I would watch, but still not one I'd want to sign up for - though unlike the current Big Brother, I'd certainly respect the people who would. And whoever makes it out at the end of it has earned that million bucks.

Needs work, of course, and would never get past the legal department - but wouldn't it be awesome?

Episode III Thoughts

Just got back from the midnight screening of Episode III (although when you add in the obligatory 20+ minutes of advertisements before the screening, it was more like a 12:30am screening).

Jar Jar Binks word count = 2. (Still two words too many)

Natalie Portman was nothing more than a walking uterus in this movie.

George, you don't need to make CGI babies. Humans can actually produce quite realistic versions without the aid of special effects or computers.

Ewan McGregor looked like he was finally having fun in the role.

Is there some law I am unaware of that forces all major blockbusters filmed in Australiasia to cast Bruce Spence in some role.

Hayden Christensen still can't act (although based on his output elsewhere I'm starting to think his performance isn't entirely his fault...)

The cowboy and indian chase scene was fun.

I've just witnessed the worse attempt at a dramatic moment in a film that involved audience laughter since the son with the gun scene in Unbreakable.

Just because you can throw 400+ moving animated objects on a screen at once doesn't mean you should. IT just confuses the audience.

R2 gets all the good bits.

I wonder if Temuera Morrison gets a residual per appearance of his face.

I'll bet Ian McDiarmid never though a small role he played 20 years ago would still be giving him so much fun (and work) today.

If only George hadn't wasted the entire first movie on the tale of Mannequin Skywalker. I understand why he started that way, but it left him with far too much to much ground to cover with the last two films.

I never knew a plot device could be so deadly.

Christopher Lee classes up any movie he's in.

At least Sam went out with a bang.

With the number of times Jedi manage to drop their lightsabers, you think they'd tie a string to the end of them.

I think that no matter what kind of film George had delivered here, there would still be people left disappointed. Maybe he should just stick to making trailers. He kicks ass with them.

That said - I'd go see it again.

How short is Tom Cruise?

Keep in mind that Katie Holmes is only 5'8" (1.72m in proper terms). 

LOST: "You Uncurious Motherf*ckers"

Kung Fu Monkey: LOST: "You Uncurious Motherf*ckers" - a pretty funny look at how Lost has progressed so far.

Maybach Exelero Concept

Way Cool 

Quote of the Day

"I think novelty ringtones serve a valuable social function. Just as lepers used to carry bells so that you could instantly recognise them, the novelty ringtone serves a similar function for c*nts."

Paul O'Brien - The V

[Listening to: Blur - Song 2 [Single] - Song 2 (2:02)]

The Transporter II

Maybe they'll finally explain what happened to the second truck. 

[Listening to: Alien Ant Farm - Truant - Glow (3:17)]

Cross-promotion

And I didn't think the BBC was interested in making money. 

[Listening to: Sevendust - Home - Home (3:33)]

Further signs that George just wants our money

Because nothing says sugary snacks like the smell of burning flesh as a man is dumped into a pit of molten lava.

I don't know where to start to describe this one. I'm just hoping it's a photoshop job.

Unleashed

Apple - Trailers - Unleashed- it's a music video, but damn if that doesn't look like a fun movie.

For the day when Adam finally abandons his tub of bulk hairgel

Manga Head - okay, maybe we'll need to get him drunk first...

Adam syndrome

A comment so long I decided to give it a post all to itself.

Firstly Survivor is a fricking misnomer. They all bloody survive - that and they're all whining American wankers. It's nothing more than a jazzed up version of "It's A Knockout" minus Billy J Smith and Tracy McDonald - and about as entertaining. If you want to see what a real survivor show should be like - go rent Battle Royale. Now that'd be a rating winner (not to mention I couldn't wait for the Celebrity version...).

Secondly, and even bigger waste of electrons that Big Brother is fricking Karaoke Idol. If I wanted to watch a bunch of no-hope wankers with bad haircuts attempt to screech abysmal cover versions of crap pop songs, I'd go to the pub. The added attraction of the pub is that there's beer there, explaining some of the performers behaviour. No such excuse for these twats on tv.

Thirdly, shows like Big Brother. Now maybe if they introduced psychotropic drugs to the water supply (that's a far better idea than parachuting in pizzas), it'd be interesting. Otherwise it's again nothing more than a collection of morons whose removal from the gene pool would cause a global increase in the populations average IQ. Besides if you want to get off on pseudo-voyerism (and let's face it - that's all it really is - the chance of anything actually interesting happening on that show that might get past the censors is practically zero), that's what the internet and cam girls were invented for. At least they have no illusions that they're selling something.

Fourthly, Why would I want to watch reality on TV? The whole purpose of watching TV is to get away from reality. The only reality TV that exists is called the news (and if you've ever heard my opinion about journalists and their principles you'd know that that's a questionable assumption as well).

Fifthly - ranting is good for the soul Grant. You should do it more often.

I want one

I think you'd get a few strange looks in the office with this one. 

And now for something completely the same.

I started to type a comment in respect to Josh's outburst on Real TV and quickly decided it was too big for a comment and I should just post it. so......

Big Brother is not soley to blame for the detriment of society, we must also take Survivor (where they all survive dammit), The Apprintice ('cause Trump needs more money), and the rest of the real TV crap into account.

Though unfortunately I must dissagree with TISM, Real TV does not make us all assholes, It just shows that society has lost it's imagination, and that there realy is a sucker born every minute.

Unfortunately there is no-where to go now days without being assailed by some bullsh%t from some form of Real TV, Big Brother is everywhere, but he doesn't watch us, instead he expects us to watch what he does to a bunch of self important freaks who think they will become famous because they will be on TV. The same goes for all Real TV, sure there is a prize to win, but what is the cost of entry into the game. These fools only become famous if they're lucky, and lets be honest, more aspiring actors get decent roles then Real TV rejects, all they've realy done is cash in their dignity for an increadibly slim chance at the bigtime.

So all that said I would like to point out that the concept of Real TV is not entierly bad, I mean sports are real Real TV, and not even Grant would deny that (as he could'nt and still watch his racing) TV sports can be entertaining. The problem is that Real TV is full of self indulgent wankers who think spending time on TV will solve their problems (as opposed to football where some players probably have a hardtime figuring out which side they're on).

Given liability wavers and money I'm sure a decent show could be made of Survivor (last medivac-ed wins, they get nothing and have to make do as if they realy were marooned), but there is no hope for Big Brother, it just goes to prove that some people will sacrifice their dignity for a little (quickly fading) fame, and the chance to win some money.

Guess who

When watching old television shows it's often quite suprising who shows up. 

Oh Joy. Oh Rapture.

Big Brother is back on TV. BFW.

Fortunately, we have the sublime poetry of This Is Serious Mum to fully sum up the sheer tragedy of this development.

The people who make it
How do they live?
The producer's a jackal
The director's a spiv
At P.R. they're liars
The sound guy is a slime
The hostess is a bimbo
With a petulant whine

Real TV makes us all arseholes

The people who're on it
What could they have heard?
One day you're unknown
The next - you're a turd
You can't return fame
Get you money back
Imagine going on TV
To find what you lack

The people who watch it
Are arseholes and creeps
Watching other arseholes
The cycle's complete
You think reality's crap?
I disagree.
Crap isn't crap
Until it's on TV

Real TV (you are on Channel Turd)
Real TV (you are on Channel Turd)
Real TV (you are on Channel Turd)
Real TV makes us all arseholes.
- T.I.S.M, "Channel Turd"

And for some reason - people love it. Why? Honestly? Why does anyone give a shit? No-one gave a shit about these people before they were on TV - at least, not anyone who wasn't already a family member or whatever. Why the fuck should they be celebrities now? Why should we care what their innermost secrets are? Why should we care if they fall for each other? (Apart from being able to take drastic action should it appear they're about to breed.) You're watching people sitting around the house, bitching. If you can't get that at home (probably infinitely more entertaining, at that), you aren't trying hard enough. The only reason I can think of to watch it is to see naked people, but I'm on the web right now - naked people are a click of the mouse away anyway. And I don't have to sit through any petulant whining or smug self-important hosts for those naked people.

And if you're asking those same questions to yourself as to why you're reading this blog? Good. We aren't asking money from you to participate in this. We aren't pretending that we're the top shit of the universe just because you're reading our rants. You aren't getting bombarded from every fucking media outlet that you should be reading what we post, or that you should find us funny or thoughtful or rebellious or whatever. We aren't celebrities, and if you give a shit as to what we think, then I'm surprised.

I expect James to disagree with me that you don't have to give a shit about us. But his reasons for thinking himself king shit of the universe have nothing to do with the fact he has an online blog.

I hope.

Outrageous

$49.95 for a new hardcover novel. For that price it should be printed in
bloody gold.

The Good Book?

Dirty --> Clean

So I'm sitting at my computer typing an email, and I decide to lean back in my chair. Looking up, I notice this.

That looks pretty nasty. Not exactly what I want hovering over my head. To work!

That's better. It's a wonder what the proper application of a cleaning cloth can do. I guess it was a good lesson for me. When cleaning, remember to look up.

[Listening to: 28 Days - Stealing Chairs - Pessimy & The Devil (2:32)]

Can you hear me Ken?

It just gets better. 

Hyper-Accurate

So. Wembley Rod, Logan Central is apparently in Coolum or Peregian according to WhereIS 

Not to mention that the maps on WhereIS are about 5 years, if not more, out of date.

Heh. UF Rocks

Love it 
UserFriendly Rocks

Next time I'm sick

I want a doctor telling me to take a trip overseas instead of fronting up to work instead.

heh

Did I mention my love for PA? 

Strange Display

So I'm down at the shops today, walking through the fruit & veg section when I spot this sign.

Yes. Kiwi Fruit. Nothing unusual, until I happen to notice where this fruit is supposedly from.

I'm hoping it's a stuff-up on the display. Otherwise it's a bit of a worry.

Good Movie Merchandise

If not for the chance that money might find it's way into her pocket, I'd buy one.

iTantrum

Wiley publishes this: iCon Steve Jobs: The Greatest Second Act in the History of Business

Steve jobs has a tanty: Apple retaliates over Steve Jobs biography

User Friendly still funny:

heh