Yet Another Big Brother Rant

I'm sorry. I truly am.

You see, at work, there is a TV. Also at work, there are people who want to watch Big Brother. Apparently a vote for "Big Brother! Big Brother!" counts more than "For the love of all that's holy, please, anything but Big Brother!". But anyway.

Being that it was on a TV in front of me, I was watching 'Big Brother Up Late', which was boring as batshit. (Apologies to all you guano fanciers out there.) It started with the host (who was madcap, zany and wacky, all at once, and somehow combined it with being flat-on-his-face unfunny) updating all of us enthusiastic Big Brother watchers (or 'BBW' as an obligatory TLA) about the goings-on in the house.

Apparently - get this, no shit, not a word of a lie - a couple of the housemates had gotten the others to join in a conga line. And unbelievable as it sounds, they did it by saying Big Brother had told them to. And the shocking twist - Big Brother hadn't told them to! Gasp! I felt my synapses dying in excruciating atrophy at that, I can tell you.

And then they showed us a couple of girls in the house looking for something to eat, and not finding anything they liked. Really. Blew me away with its real-life drama.

And so I got to thinking. I figured Big Brother's really turned its back on its roots. Big Brother, after all, was the propaganda figure in 1984, the one who was watching, who was really your friend, but if he found out anything bad about you awful things would happen. And so I began formulating an Orwellian Big Brother show.

First up, waivers from the contestants. For fuck's sake, these people want to be on TV so badly? Let 'em.

Then, from the word go, psychologically brutalise them. Not the coddling, soft, kind of stuff in the current Big Brother show which leads to the victims sitting about whining about how unfair things are. I'm talking about the kind of brutalising that leaves them shaking and shitscared.

Nominations? Don't tell the housemates who's nominated to go. Don't have a regular eviction night. Instead, when it's time, wait until everyone's asleep, then have the goons in gas masks and jackboots kick the door in, grab the poor sucker, slip a bag over their head and drag them out, kicking and screaming. No warning, no explanation.

Someone tries screwing with the rules? Fine. Wait until their asleep. Bag and drag to an undisclosed location, beat them with phone books, scream at them and disorient them - then throw them back.

When I mentioned this idea to someone at work, they pointed out an idea I'd missed - indoctrination sessions. Set up one every morning, where maybe the person dragged off the previous night is denounced, maybe they read a sobbing confession on-screen (I figure pay 'em some cash, get them made up to look like they've been worked over - I'm not a complete monster).

All in all, aim for an atmosphere of paranoia and gut-wrenching terror in the house. It would make compelling viewing, watching these people as the complacency they have from living in an affluent first-world country gets slowly shattered, and then watching them as they break. Horrible viewing, of course, but compelling. And possibly - just possibly - the housemates might band together and stage a revolt. Which would be equally compelling viewing.

It's a show I would watch, but still not one I'd want to sign up for - though unlike the current Big Brother, I'd certainly respect the people who would. And whoever makes it out at the end of it has earned that million bucks.

Needs work, of course, and would never get past the legal department - but wouldn't it be awesome?